10 moves for a more fulfilling relationship

Terry Real, relationship therapist, author of bestselling books, and husband of 40 years has 10 lessons he’s learned through his work and his own lived experience. He says, “our culture doesn’t teach us how to love well, but it’s never too late to learn.” His words are in regular font; my interpretation is in italics. Enjoy! 

10 lessons from a master of relationship therapy: 

1. Your partner triggers you for a reason. They’re close enough to your old pain to hit it, and different enough to help you heal it. To be so close to someone and also entirely separate from them is an endlessly interesting dynamic. It’s this dynamic that is part of the tension many couples are trying to work out. 

2. Your childhood isn’t an excuse, but it is an explanation. Know the difference– and do something about it. Understanding where our relational moves come from is helpful and empowering. Trying out new moves is even more empowering. 

3. You can’t change your partner. Change what you do, and watch how they respond differently. This one is often hard for me to wrap my head around. Asking for something different without controlling or managing the other person is an art! 

4. Your need to win the argument will cost your relationship. You can be right, or you can be close. You choose. Success in conflict doesn’t equal “winning”; success means both people are heard and (mostly) understood. 

5. Every relationship is a cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair. The ones that last are good at finding their way back. Fighting isn't the problem—failing to repair is.

6. It feels good to let your partner have it when you’re angry. It feels good to go cold and pull away. I’ve watched it end more marriages than I can count. The emotion of anger is valid (all emotions are valid!), but how you express your anger is for you to manage. For the sake of your marriage, feel your anger but don’t let it go unmanaged. 

7. Avoiding hard conversations will slowly poison your relationship. What you don’t say leaks out as resentment. Avoidance doesn’t work in the long run. 

8. Everyone gets to go crazy in a long-term relationship. You just have to take turns. Ha! This one makes me laugh. One of you has to be the “adult” while the other is more needy. Then, you can switch. The hard part is the choreography. 

9. You don’t get more from your partner by criticizing them. You get more by teaching them how to give it to you. Nicely making a request goes over so much better than slinging criticisms. 

10. You can’t love from a place of superiority. You can’t love from a place of inferiority. Love demands democracy. Terry calls these positions “one up” or “one down.” Both are losing strategies. 

If these resonate with you and you’d like to engage in deeper work within yourself or in your relationship about these topics, reach out.